When The Answer Never Comes...

There are so many events in our lives, where we're left wondering, "why?" or "what happened?" We want answers, but they never come. I'm not talking about the great mysteries of life, like, "why are we here?", or "how did God get here?" I'm talking about things that typically *only* affect us.

As I was laying in bed last night, my mind wandered to some people in my past. We all have a past. We all have, "the one who got away", or "the one that wasn't meant to be", but why? Why were they the one who got away? Or, for that matter, why wasn't it meant to be? Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy in my life and marriage as they are today, however it's bizarre how events in the past shape your thoughts of today.

For example, when I was in high school, there was a guy by the name of Marc that I was CRAZY about. By no means am I being ugly by saying this, but he wasn't anything special. Sure, he played football, but I was probably the only person in the entire school that thought he was attractive. No, he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't what "high school" girls in the 90's wanted. I found him very attractive, and knew there was more to him than met the eye. On Senior Night of 1995, I got to wear his football jersey, and that was it. He went back to his old girlfriend at another school. No, she wasn't anything special, either, but for some reason, he really liked her. It absolutely puzzled me! I mean, I wasn't Miss America, but for a big girl, I had it going on. I took pride in how I looked. I always had my hair fixed, makeup on, and nice clothes. I had a good personality, and a lot of friends. Why didn't Marc like me, or did he?

That's what I want to know? If he didn't *like* me, that's fine, but I never knew. I never knew if he found me attractive, or would've been interested in something more, if given the chance. Why? Why not? I just want to know, but never will.

Then we have Ryan. Ryan was a troubled individual, who gave me a run for my money. He worked across the hall from me at The Tilt when I worked for Merle Norman Cosmetics back in 1997. I was absolutely mesmerised by him. The first night we met, we spent almost 4 hours talking. He told me about his life, his family, his dreams. I knew more about him in those few hours than most people who had known him for months and years.

For a few magical weeks, things were great. We talked and enjoyed each other's company. Within a matter of 24 hours, things turned upside down. Ryan changed completely, to the point where I didn't even know who he was? He began dating a woman who worked in the mall, and flaunting it for all it was worth. My heart was absolutely broken, and he knew it. For over a month, I had to deal with the sight of Ryan and "her", in my face. One day, I finally got sick of it. I began to ignore them while at work. I finally made a call, and told him that if he was truly happy with "her", that I wished them the best, and that I wouldn't be bothering them anymore. The broke up within a matter of days.

My question is, what was the point of all of this? Was he attracted to me, too? Did he ever care about me? Or was he simply so damaged, that screwing with people's emotions was all he knew? Once again, I'll never have the answers.

Last, but not least, we have Phil. Phil was in the "semi-recent past". Phil brought me back to life. He made me feel good about myself, when life wasn't all that good. He made me feel beautiful. I flirted my ass off with him, and *believe* that he would flirt back. Due to the unfortunate circumstances at work, we were separated without even being able to say good-bye. I sent him an e-mail, explaining how sorry I was if I made him feel uncomfortable, and wanting him to know how much I appreciated him for being him. I want to know, did he get that e-mail? Did he feel the same way? Was he as attracted to me as I was to him, or was I just completely delusional? I just want to know that everything is ok.

So many questions that will never be answered. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around pining day in and day out, wondering why, but from time to time, these things do cross my mind, but when I begin to think about them, they eat away at me. I'm the type of person that "needs" closure. Sure, there are MANY people and events in my life that I never received "direct" answers from, but deep down inside I knew the answers. However, in these three instances, I'm beyond perplexed. I'll never know, and I have to live with that.