It's Been Too Long...

Since I've blogged, updated everyone, blah, blah, blah. I know. No excuses. I've been through hell. If you want to know what hell is like, just ask. I'll be glad to share it with you. I've seen the face of satan himself. And no, I refuse to capitalize satan's name. I give him NO respect. I'm getting ready to back to Vanderbilt for another check-up. Praying not another surgery, but it's all still up in the air. For those of you who haven't heard from me in two years, my fistula is healed (thank you, God, and Dr. Paul Wise). On May 11th, 2010, I went into surgery at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, and by the skilled hands of Dr. Wise, I was healed of the bane of my existence. The horrible obstetric fistula that had plagued my life for almost 15 months.

I spent a good year in therapy, and after that, I began a support group for women who are living with/or survivors of obstetric fistula. There are no words to describe the horrible isolation I felt during those 15 months. No one, but someone who has been there, can possibly understand your pain, and it's not even remotely physical. It's mental, and emotional. Every time you go to the bathroom, you relive the birth-- the neglect, the pain, the anguish. It just doesn't stop. The dignity you lose by having to go and buy bag after bag after bag of Depends, and box after box after box of douche, to never feel clean-- and you never truly are. There's ALWAYS leakage-- ALWAYS. It's hell. It's a hell I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

Right now, I'm dealing with survivors guilt. Two of the girls in my support group are struggling terribly, and my heart is broken. Both of them have been through three failed surgeries. One is living with a colostomy, the other is not. Both are at the end of their ropes. I keep telling them to hang on, there's a cure, someone is going to help them. They will be healed. In my heart, I know that they will, I'll keep fighting until they are. I haven't given up hope, but it hurts, because here I am, healed, on the second try, easily, and they're the ones laying, suffering. It all seems so easy coming from someone like me. I would give anything to just trade places with them, even for a day, just to let them remember what it's like to be normal, because you forget.

You forget what it's like to go to the bathroom and not have to sit there for hours on end. You forget what it's like to not have to plan EVER trip based upon where the bathrooms are, and if you have enough douche and Depends on your person before you leave the house. You forget what it's like to not live with the horrible memories in your head of what put you in that situation.

I've been having some flashbacks lately. I think they've been due to my period coming (yeah, I know you REALLY wanted to know that), but it's not been easy for me to deal with. I know having Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, that you just have to take things one day at a time. I can't say I'm 100% yet, or that I'll ever be, but I'm working on it. My daughter is happy and healthy, she's the light of my life. I love her more than anything, and I'm thankful to have her. I thankful she doesn't know about any of this, and doesn't remember me suffering.

Here's some pictures from surgery, healing, fun, and Savannah :0)

Letting It Go...

I've finally let it go. All of the sadness, anger, anxiety, and depression from the traumatic experiences of the past three months. I haven't been able to enjoy spending time with my precious baby, because my mind and heart were clouded with all that I couldn't let go. On saturday, the NICU at the Johnson City Medical Center had footprints taken for the wall. Anyone who was and/or has a baby that was in the NICU was invited to come and post their hand or footprint on the wall. I definitely wanted to take Savannah, as she was a NICU baby and survivor.

The night before, I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. The thoughts of going back to the hospital literally had me frozen with fear. All the feelings of neglect, pain, hopelessness, fear-- they all came back. What should've been a joyous occasion became one of dread. I almost decided not to go. I had a great excuse. I was absolutely dead with a cold/sinus infection, but knew going was the right thing to do.

It was right, on so many levels. Chris and I parked near the Women's Center, the site of my first trauma, and entered with Savannah. I felt all of the emotions rushing back. The anxiety. The fear. The anger-- it filled me. Right behind me, was the Same-Day Surgery Center-- the place where my fistula surgery took place. I felt anger as I thought about it. Dr. Hinton did a great job with the surgery, that's not the problem, the problem was it didn't stay. Back to the surgery. I had never been wheeled into an operating room. I was completely conscious, and completely terrified. It's the most terrifying feeling being conscious, on an operating table, and alone. I wasn't alone-- obviously there were nurses, and Dr. Hinton was there, holding my hand until I was out, but I felt alone. I took it all with strength, because I KNEW I was going to get better.

While Chris and I walked down the long hall, I turned around. I realized that the pain and surgery seemed to be all for nothing. I wanted to turn and run out of the hospital. The Johnson City Medical Center was the last place in the world I wanted to be, but I kept on going. We stepped off the elevator and headed to the NICU. That was a walk I used to dread. Anyone who's been the mother (or family member) of a NICU baby knows that dread. As we rounded the corner, it was actually a happy sight.

Savannah's nurse, Judy was there to welcome us, along with several other nurses and people. There were several people and children of all ages there having their hand or footprints made for the wall. In all, we probably weren't there a total of 15 minutes.

As we left, I was never so thankful to be leaving some place in all my life. I had no idea how much walking out the door of that hospital really did for me. It freed me. All of the anger, resentment, fear, sadness, depression, hopelessness, anxiety-- I left it all the door, literally. I had been suffering with severe post-partum depression and post-traumatic stress syndrome. I saw no joy in my life. No hope, no happiness-- everyday I lived, I didn't live, I merely existed. To be quite honest with you, most days, I didn't want to live. Had I not had the great support system of my beloved family and friends, I probably would've committed suicide. *NOTE: I did not and have not comtemplated suicide-- I'm only speculating on how I would feel if I were going through all of this alone*

I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful for my beautiful baby, wonderful family and friends, and most of all God, for never leaving me. This is the third time, there truly was only one set of footprints-- because he carried me through it all.

For all of my friends that are currently TTC, please, let me stress something to you-- PLEASE make sure you have a good support system. I PRAY that none of you will EVER have to go through what I've been through, BUT if you do, you need help. This is something most people don't talk about. When you're TTC and wanting a baby so badly, you don't realize all of the things that could go wrong. I don't think anyone is ever prepared to be neglected by health care "professionals" during labor. Nor are they prepared to give birth to a child who isn't breathing-- and tests positive for Group B Strep, when you tested negative. No one is prepared to have to leave their baby in the NICU, nor are they prepared to deal with a fistula, and surgery that wasn't a complete success. On top of that, no one is really prepared to deal with post-partum depression. It's real. It can be severe. It's heartbreaking, and most people won't tell you about it. I will.

Being a mother is the hardest thing I've ever done. As hard as pregnancy was, being pregnant was the easy part. I'm not trying to scare anyone here, what I'm trying to do is tell you what I wish someone had told me-- things can go wrong. When and if things go wrong, you need a lot strength and support before you even think about bringing a baby into the world, make sure you have both.

If you or someone you know is suffering with post-partum depression, don't be ashamed to ask for help. It takes a strong person to know that they can't deal with something on their own.

Labor of Love...

She's finally here. At 6:12pm on February 4th, Savannah Boleyn Rach made her grand entrance into the world-- an easy entrance, it wasn't. I was in hard labor for 18 1/2 hours, and on top of that, my epidural didn't work, at least, not for long. The bands from the monitors on my stomach were so tight they were cutting into me, and none of the nurses would help me. I screamed in agony from the hard contratcions, begging God for mercy and strength, because I knew there was no way I could delivery that baby myself. It had been over 36 hours since I'd eaten, and the pain had taken every ounce of strength I had. Violently throwing up bile, because my stomach was empty, I was finally able to dilate to 9 centimeters. At 5:00pm, I was in such pain, that I was screaming and begging for something to take it away. I was given one finally shot of medication into my epidural that would only last for 45 minutes-- after that, I was on my own. I was determined to deliver my baby in that 45 minute window-- but didn't. I felt every agonizing contraction. The pain in my back was indescribable. With every push I begged God for strength. I give Him all the credit for my child being here-- there was no strength left in my body, it was Him that got her here, not me.

When my pain was finally over, my beautiful baby girl was here. Little did I know, she wasn't breathing. My husband and family shielded me from the sight of my newborn baby girl laying there, nearly lifeless as the nurses tried to clear her lungs. Thank God, they were able to, and she began to breathe on her own. She was strong from the womb, and came out a fighter. She had to be. For the first 10 days of her life, she was in the NICU. After aspirating meconium into her lungs in the womb, and then testing positive for group B strep, she was on IV anti-biotics for 10 days-- which meant leaving my baby girl behind when I was discharged from the hospital.

Being in the horrible shape I was in, I was thankful that Savannah was in the NICU for a few days. I knew she was getting round the clock care that I couldn't provide for her. Little did I know how bad of shape I was in. I delivered Savannah on wednesday. On friday, I had my first bowel movement. You wonder why I'm telling you this-- well, it's very relevant to what's coming next. I was absolutely horrified to find out that the bowel movement didn't come out of my rectum, but my vagina. I immediately called my doctor, who told me to come in first thing on monday, that I probably had a fistula. I was calm, thinking I only had to deal with this fistula for the weekend. I had NO idea what would be in store for me.

I was absolutely horrified to find out that I had to wait a full two weeks before surgery could be preformed, and even then, it might not be fixed. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I had just come through an extremely traumatic experience with labor and delivery-- being neglected by nurses, and laying in excruciating pain, and now this! I tried to stay positive, all the while, having to plan every single move. I couldn't leave the house, because if I had to have a bowel movement, I had to have my medicated wipes to clean myself, and pads or depends in the event of an "accident". It was only for two weeks I kept telling myself.

During those two weeks, I learned to deal. I got pretty good and being able to clean myself, and bathe extra just to feel clean. I was becoming more confident, and knew there was an end in sight. On tuesday February 24th, I went in for surgery. I was scared, but ready. I just wanted to be better, to be well and whole once more. The surgery went well. I woke up in pain, but it wasn't unbearable. I had hope. It was difficult being home and not being able to really get around or care for my daughter, but I was coping. I saw an end to the pain and embarrassment of the fistula.

All of that came crashing down on tuesday. Exactly one week to the day of surgery, it failed. I'll spare you the gory details, but will say this, with each wipe, tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw my hope being wiped away- literally. I wasn't fixed. I was still broken. After all I'd been through, the hope I had of being well, was literally wiped away.

Tearfully, I called my doctor who had me come in wednesday. The fistula, had indeed re-opened. It's not opened very far, but far enough to cause me grief. If it opens all the way, there's more surgery, and a colostomy bag in my future. There is a chance it could close on it's own. I'm giving it up to God, because I don't want to get my hopes up, only to end up broken once more. I know that whatever God decides, I'll deal with. He's never put more on me than I can stand, although there are times I really wonder why He trusts me so much.

The only bright spot in all of this is that my precious baby is home with us, safe, and healthy. She's growing and thriving. Although her start in this world was a rough one, she's growing and thriving. I know that I have to be strong for her, right now, it's just hard. One way or another, I'll survive.

Sorry It's Been So Long!

Pregnancy hasn't been much fun! Between the back pain and asthma, I haven't felt much like doing anything. As miserable as I've been, I'm thankful. Only 5 more weeks until my sweet baby girl will be here with us! I've got several pictures to share-- some from our 4D ultrasound, and some of my maternity pictures.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were good, hoping they were for all of you, as well. I promise to keep everyone updated, I've just felt so miserable that it's hard to make myself get on here and write sometimes. I haven't forgotten you-- just been a sloth on my couch!

Savannah Boleyn is on her way!

Yep, it's a girl! I couldn't be more excited! We found out on tuesday! We go back for a follow-up ultrasound on monday, as the doctor couldn't see everything that she wanted to. She's weighing a little heavy for her due date (imagine that-- Chris and I are both giants *LOL*).

Here's some pics from the ultrasound day! :0)

Nobody Told Me Growing People Was Hard!

Sorry I've been so neglectful! Pregnancy is a helluva lot harder than I ever imagined! Where to begin? I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant now, and the baby is doing great! I wish I could say the same for myself. I was in the hospital a few weeks ago because I was having trouble breathing. Luckily, I didn't have a blood clot in my lung, I wasn't in heart failure, and all of my organs were still functioning fine. That's something to come in and tell a pregnant woman (especially one who just thought she was having an asthma attack). I was diagnosed with having panic attacks and sent home.

The breathing problems continued, and when I went for my follow up visit to the doctor, I was diagnosed with asthma. Great. Another ailment to add to the long list. In the process of all of this, I turned 30 on August 25th. Everyone kept asking me how it felt to be 30. I told them 30 was a breeze! Being pregnant is the hard part!

Overall, even though I haven't felt the best, I'm very happy. I've just begun to feel the baby kick, and can't even begin to describe how happy I feel each time I feel a little kick. We go on September 23rd to find out if we're having a boy or a girl. If it's a boy, we're going to name him Aiden Matthew, and if it's a girl, she's going to be named Savannah Boleyn.

Here's some pics from my last ultrasound about a month ago. I promise to be better at updating everyone! Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers, I can definitely use them!

We're Back!

I'm sorry I haven't posted before now! As excited as I am to be pregnant, the fatigue is really getting to me. It's hard for me to get online long enough to check my mail, much less do the things I enjoy like checking blogs, posting pics, ect. Things are going great, other than the fatigue. I truly guess I shouldn't complain, I know it could be a lot worse, it's just gotten me down that I haven't felt like doing anything but sleeping. I will make my rounds as soon as possible, in the meantime, know I'm thinking of ya'll, and definitely continue to keep us in your prayers! *hugs*

It's A Baby!

Sorry for the delay in updates, but the morning/all day long sickness has gotten the best of me! I never know from one day to the next what I'm going to be able to eat, and if it's going to agree with me or not? Today, we had our first ultrasound! I'm officially 6 weeks and 3 days along, the baby has a strong heartbeat, and is developing normally thus far! I was so thankful to hear and see all of that! Of course, I have pictures to share with everyone! *Note, I will be out of town for the next 14 days, heading out to see my in-laws (who have dial-up) so I won't be able to respond til I'm back home, so don't worry about me, just pray for me! :0)

I'm Pregnant!

Yes, it's true! I found out this morning! I made the appointment *initially* to discuss my blood pressure, and subsequently, ended up with a nice double ear infection AND sinus infection! In the midst of that chaos, I told my doctor that I had "been exposed to pregnancy" *LOL*. So, before she decided what antibiotics to give me, she gave me a pregnancy test. She ran two urine tests, and both came back with VERY faint positive lines.

She told me if I didn't have PCOS, that she would tell me right then that I was pregnant, but since I have PCOS, she wanted me to have a blood test--- so, I took the blood test. Around 4:30pm, we got the call, my lab work was back, and I'm pregnant! I'm SO excited!

I go see my OB/GYN on monday, so I'll know exactly how far along I am, and what I need to do to keep myself healthy. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The risk of miscarriage for women with PCOS is high, so I'm truly hoping that I'll be one of the women to beat those nasty odds. I'll keep you posted, and be making my blog rounds, soon!

*Insert Catchy Blog Title Here*

Ok, yes, it's true. I'm incredibly lazy. I've neglected my blog and pretty much everything else *L*. What a month it's been! Between church activities and paranormal investigations my weekends have been packed! I've been meaning to write, or at the very least, just check in on everyone's blogs, but as they say, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", so I need to do instead of intending to do *LOL*.

Chris and I are working on starting a family. Oh so special me, had been timing EVERYTHING wrong. I didn't realize that conception took place in the fallopian tubes. The entire time, I thought it took place in the uterus *only*, so I was timing sex for the day I was ovulating. WRONG! That's too late! So, after a male home fertility test, and at home ovulation test, we *finally* figured out what we were doing wrong *L*. We're *hoping* that we "got it right" this month.

Speaking of babies, my godson, Luke, will be two years old tomorrow! Happy Birthday, Luke! We love you!

When The Answer Never Comes...

There are so many events in our lives, where we're left wondering, "why?" or "what happened?" We want answers, but they never come. I'm not talking about the great mysteries of life, like, "why are we here?", or "how did God get here?" I'm talking about things that typically *only* affect us.

As I was laying in bed last night, my mind wandered to some people in my past. We all have a past. We all have, "the one who got away", or "the one that wasn't meant to be", but why? Why were they the one who got away? Or, for that matter, why wasn't it meant to be? Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy in my life and marriage as they are today, however it's bizarre how events in the past shape your thoughts of today.

For example, when I was in high school, there was a guy by the name of Marc that I was CRAZY about. By no means am I being ugly by saying this, but he wasn't anything special. Sure, he played football, but I was probably the only person in the entire school that thought he was attractive. No, he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't what "high school" girls in the 90's wanted. I found him very attractive, and knew there was more to him than met the eye. On Senior Night of 1995, I got to wear his football jersey, and that was it. He went back to his old girlfriend at another school. No, she wasn't anything special, either, but for some reason, he really liked her. It absolutely puzzled me! I mean, I wasn't Miss America, but for a big girl, I had it going on. I took pride in how I looked. I always had my hair fixed, makeup on, and nice clothes. I had a good personality, and a lot of friends. Why didn't Marc like me, or did he?

That's what I want to know? If he didn't *like* me, that's fine, but I never knew. I never knew if he found me attractive, or would've been interested in something more, if given the chance. Why? Why not? I just want to know, but never will.

Then we have Ryan. Ryan was a troubled individual, who gave me a run for my money. He worked across the hall from me at The Tilt when I worked for Merle Norman Cosmetics back in 1997. I was absolutely mesmerised by him. The first night we met, we spent almost 4 hours talking. He told me about his life, his family, his dreams. I knew more about him in those few hours than most people who had known him for months and years.

For a few magical weeks, things were great. We talked and enjoyed each other's company. Within a matter of 24 hours, things turned upside down. Ryan changed completely, to the point where I didn't even know who he was? He began dating a woman who worked in the mall, and flaunting it for all it was worth. My heart was absolutely broken, and he knew it. For over a month, I had to deal with the sight of Ryan and "her", in my face. One day, I finally got sick of it. I began to ignore them while at work. I finally made a call, and told him that if he was truly happy with "her", that I wished them the best, and that I wouldn't be bothering them anymore. The broke up within a matter of days.

My question is, what was the point of all of this? Was he attracted to me, too? Did he ever care about me? Or was he simply so damaged, that screwing with people's emotions was all he knew? Once again, I'll never have the answers.

Last, but not least, we have Phil. Phil was in the "semi-recent past". Phil brought me back to life. He made me feel good about myself, when life wasn't all that good. He made me feel beautiful. I flirted my ass off with him, and *believe* that he would flirt back. Due to the unfortunate circumstances at work, we were separated without even being able to say good-bye. I sent him an e-mail, explaining how sorry I was if I made him feel uncomfortable, and wanting him to know how much I appreciated him for being him. I want to know, did he get that e-mail? Did he feel the same way? Was he as attracted to me as I was to him, or was I just completely delusional? I just want to know that everything is ok.

So many questions that will never be answered. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around pining day in and day out, wondering why, but from time to time, these things do cross my mind, but when I begin to think about them, they eat away at me. I'm the type of person that "needs" closure. Sure, there are MANY people and events in my life that I never received "direct" answers from, but deep down inside I knew the answers. However, in these three instances, I'm beyond perplexed. I'll never know, and I have to live with that.

Finally... Some Good News!

It's finally come and gone-- Jules' and Steve's wedding that is. Friday was enough to make me have a nervous breakdown. When I get to the church, Jules' is there with 40 filthy white chairs. I was speechless. Jules' is the kind of person who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and unfortunately, often times, won't stand up for herself. To make a long story short, I made her call them back, and make them deliver more *clean* chairs. Nearly 3 hours later, they deliver MORE dirty chairs. The people were so hateful, that we just sent most of the chairs back, and cleaned the ones we could. Luckily-- that was the only thing that went wrong.

Saturday morning, I rolled my happy self out of bed around 10:00am (early, huh?) because I had a hair appointment at 11:00am. My parents owned a hair salon for nearly 8 years, and in that time I'd never had an "up-do" until saturday. I absolutely LOVED IT! I had borrowed a rhinestone hairpin from my best friend, Jen, to wear for the wedding. My dress was absolutely gorgeous! Chris and I were the first to arrive at the church. The photographer was already there taking pictures. After having to deal with him and his drama, I nicknamed him our "flaming friend." Now, most everyone reading my blog knows I love everyone (gay, straight, whatever-- you know me), but this guy, he took flaming to a new level. He made Elton John look straight, and with attitude to boot.

I'm so glad that Jules' loved her pics, because I wasn't crazy about the ones he took of me and Chris. The one's that my daddy and Chris took were much better, in my opinion.

It was REALLY hot inside the church, but luckily, there was a nice breeze blowing outside, so it felt really good coming out of the church. By the time the reception rolled around, I was exhausted. Can you believe *I* was gone by 8:00pm? I'm getting so old. SO. OLD.

Now, I'm enjoying a little rest and relaxing! Here's some pics for everyone to enjoy !

Don't Fall Over...

I actually updated this thing! I thought I could definitely use a change! It's been a rough couple of weeks. One of my friends had a stroke, another had fluid in the lining of his heart, and another's grandfather (who was practically his dad) passed away. Couple that with one of my aunt's having surgery, and trying to prepare for a friend's wedding, it's been enough to have me completely frazzled.

The good news. Both of my friends are ok. Peggy (who had the stroke), didn't suffer any permanent damage, and Eddie's heart is fine. The fluid was caused from a viral infection that didn't completely heal. My aunt who had surgery is at home, and doing a little better.

I'm still stressed, as Jules' wedding is next saturday and *keeping my fingers crossed* I'm hoping that the alterations that are being done to my dress will be done this weekend. I can't wait to post some pics of it! It's absolutely beautiful!

Just thought I should let ya'll know I'm alive and kicking, and will be making my blog rounds this weekend! *hugs all around*

Happy Easter!

How time flies! I can't believe it's Easter already! I must say, I'm definitely ready for Easter, and spring for that matter! It's been a busy week, here, but I'm thankful! I've been busy with friends and family all week long, and looking forward to Mass in the morning. My friend, Jules', wedding is only 3 weeks away now! I'm getting really excited! Hopefully, my dress will be here this week, and I can get some pics up on here for everyone to see. In the meantime, I do have a pic from her bridal luncheon we had today.

I hope that everyone is doing well, and that you ALL have a safe, and blessed Easter!

Ready For Spring...

It's been a much better week here. No one is sick, and no one has passed away, *fingers crossed* hopefully, it will stay that way. I absolutely LOVE having the extra hour of daylight, but am having a hard time getting used to the time change. I don't know about anyone else, but when the time changes back, it always seems like there's not enough hours in the day to get things done! By the time I get motivated to do anything, it's 4 or 5pm! Although, I don't mind on some days, because it's staying daylight until around 7pm! Yay!

I did get to enjoy something fun this past weekend. I went to the bridal store with my friend, Jules, to help her find a dress for her daughter, and to try her dress on again . Of course, you know, I can't go to a bridal store without trying on a dress, so of course, I've got some pics to share. Am *really* hoping that my dress for the wedding will be in, soon. I believe our fitting is next wednesday!

Hope everyone has been doing well. I'll be making my rounds in a little bit! *hugs to all*

Just When I Start To Get Better...

Once again, I haven't been neglectful on purpose. On monday, my Aunt Sandy passed away. She had terminal cancer, so honestly, her death was a blessing. She wasn't *actually* diagnosed until last week, although, the cancer had been there for quite some time. She went into the hospital on saturday, and passed on monday. I say it's a blessing because she didn't have to suffer. Her husband, my Uncle Steve, died 10 years ago next friday. He, too, had terminal cancer, only he suffered for two weeks before his death. I was thankful that Aunt Sandy didn't have to suffer that way.

I hadn't been close to her for quite some time, but I did love her. I truly feel bad that I didn't do more for her. All of her family is in New Jersey, so we *Uncle Steve's family* was all she had down here. My cousin, Holly, was really close to her, the way I am my Aunt Judy. Holly has taken it a lot harder.

As if this wasn't bad enough news, I found out yesterday, that my papaw is back in the hospital, and they don't expect him to make it. Once again, if he passes, it, too, will be a blessing. He has terminal cancer, and has lived quite a bit longer than anyone expected. However, I know he's not in good shape, and I don't want him to suffer. When he does pass, I'll have to go to Florida with Daddy (granny and papaw live in Panama City).

So, as you can tell, it's been a week. Oh, not to mention that I had a nice allergic reaction to the anti-biotic that they had me on, and TWO, count them TWO drug interactions with my medications. My Prozac didn't work while I was taking it, so I was exceptionally depressed while taking it, and it cancelled out my Nexium, so everything I ate made me sicker than usual. Good times, I'm tellin' ya.

If you made it this far in this post, I've probably depressed you, and I am terribly sorry, I promise the next time I write, it will be with something good and fun :0)

Sick...

Just wanted everyone to know I wasn't actually being lazy this time-- just dead with a cold. I didn't even get to go tubing last saturday :0( Life is not fun right now. As soon as I feel semi-human again, I'll be back to catch up with everyone.

In A Funk...

I absolutely hate winter. Yes, the snow is pretty, and the crisp air can be refreshing, but overall, I just hate it. The lack of daylight leaves much to be desired for me. By this time, I'm typically really depressed and all but a hermit. I've been fighting depression more and more lately. I keep trying to remind myself, that I have so much to be thankful for-- and I do. Two years ago, I had a great reason to be depressed, but not now.

One thing that's at least made a difference, in the past couple of days, is that I began taking my allergy medicine again. I stopped taking it about a year ago when Chris and I decided we'd start "actively" trying for a baby. However, we haven't exactly been putting forth the effort lately, and I've felt miserable. I started taking my Allegra again, and it's been like night and day. I actually *feel* like getting out of bed in the morning.

I knew I was going to have to be feeling better, we're headed to Sugar Mountain this weekend, tubing with the church. I'm really looking forward to that. Like I said, even though I'm not big on winter, I do enjoy some snow-- and tubing is especially fun.

Oh, and I found out something today that made me even happier! One of my dearest blog buddies is getting married! I'm so excited for her! If you get a chance, stop by her blog, here, and leave some love!

Seven Random Things and More!

I've been tagged by Stephanie, to give 7 random facts about myself.

1. I'm terribly OCD. I HAVE to have my stuffed cow in order to sleep, and if I don't have a shower, I can't get in bed.

2. I'm hopelessly addicted to fluff friends. You can visit Cow, and see what it's all about :0) *if you're on Facebook, add me!*







3. I sleep with the television on.

4. Other than on sunday, it's rare I roll out of bed before noon.

5. I absolutely LOVE chocolate.

6. It's been over 15 years since I've seen my natural hair color.

7. I can't pass a cow on the road without "Mooing" at it.


I'm just now getting a chance to catch up. I spent the weekend in Gatlinburg with my mom, aunt, friend Juile, and her daughter Brandy *we call her Wooz*, for our annual church convention. I didn't have to go the first day, so Wooz and I spent the day in the indoor pool. That night, we all went to Five Oaks, an AWESOME outlet mall, and to Bubba Gump's Shrimp Company to eat. It was AWESOME. If you've never been, and enjoy seafood, it's a MUST. All I got was an appetizer, which was 3/4 of a pound of garlic shrimp, and it was HEAVENLY!

I don't have the pictures uploaded yet-- Grrrrrr! Another story. My mom and dad bought me an absolutely wonderful camera for Christmas. The ONLY problem, is that it didn't come with a battery charger. Sooooo, I bought a cheap one on ebay. Well, I used it one time, and it died. So, I was left to purchase one from Kodak.com for 50.00. That left a bad taste in my mouth, but hopefully, I'll at least be able to charge my batteries.

AND, I we have church drama. Big Time. I'm kinda afraid to post it here, for fear that someone who shouldn't see it, might, let's put it this way-- we would NEVER EVER ask anyone to leave the church, for any reason. With that being said, there are two people that are literally splitting the church, and causing such an uproar, that it's almost unbearable. In the 30 years I've been in that church, this sort of thing has never happened. It's so unnerving, and really causing me and some others great grief-- so, if you're a person of faith, please keep us in your prayers, so that everything will work itself out for the best.

How It All Turns Out...

Does anything in life ever really turn out the way we expect it to? We all have high hopes and expectations out of certain events in our life, only to be let down, when they don't live up to those expectations. I spent 5 years, angry because my wedding photos had double exposed. I was extremely over-weight, and didn't feel good, physically. I didn't have the huge extravagant affair that I'd always dreamt of, so I felt cheated. When, in reality, I had a nicer wedding than most will ever have. I was surrounded by the people I loved the most-- my family, my friends, and most of all, my husband. It was a time to celebrate the sacrament of marriage with my loved ones, not a time to worry about everything that wasn't going right.

Over the years, I've come to realize that a lot of things in life don't turn out the way we hope. Friends drift apart, plans fall through, life changes. People change. Many things don't stay the same.

I used to spend a lot of time longing for days gone by. I liked thinking about when things were easier. When my aunt was younger, without so many health problems, when I felt good, and had nothing but time to enjoy with my friends and family. I miss going out riding around with Abbie in my convertible. I miss Jeremy's crazy antics, and quotes. I miss going and playing tennis and hanging out with Eddie, Eddie, Susan, and Kevin. I miss the parties and all of the fun we had together. When I saw this picture, it brought tears to my eyes.













I didn't see this picture until nearly 3 years after it was taken. It was one of the many times we were all together at the house in Milligan in 2004. Every day I was with Eddie, Eddie, Susan, and Kevin. That summer, I had just gotten my job at Proffitts', Justin, Jake and I began to hang out a lot, again. I was so close to my friends. Life was good.

I drove by the tennis court today, and for a few moments, felt sad. I could see us, just as we were, four years ago, playing tennis, laughing, and having fun. Then I remembered something I'd read, "don't cry because it's over, smile, because it happened." And I did. I smiled, because God blessed me with friends. I was fortunate enough to have that, along with many experiences in my life. I'm still friends with Eddie, Eddie, Susan, Kevin, Jeremy, Abbie, Justin, and Jake. I may not see them as much as I'd like, but they're always in my heart.

So, if things in your life don't turn out the way you planned, it's ok. As long as you're happy, and you have those whom you love close-- that's all that matters.