Maybe it's just because it's Lent and satan is battering away at me full-force (satan bites the big one), but I've once again found myself longing for something that's just no good for me. Phil. Yes, I said, Phil. Why in the world am I missing him? Things are going GREAT between me and Chris. Truly, I am happy. We're getting along, and he's treated me amazing, but nightly, I'm haunted by the visions of Phil in my dreams.
I miss seeing his face early in the morning. I would sit at my desk, and make sure that I looked flawless when he walked in. I spoke to him every morning, and craved the way he would look at me. I know I spent more time turned around in my chair, seeing if he was walking by, than actually doing the work I should've been doing.
I know that losing my job was the best thing that ever happened to me, it just haunts me. I can't explain why I miss Phil so much. Phil was just an average guy. Well, if you ask Michael about him, he'd say "Noooooooooo!" Pretty much anyone who knew that I was attracted to Phil, which was VERY few and far between, just couldn't understand it. They had no idea what in the hell I was thinking. Truly, I don't know either. Phil just ignited something inside of me. He made me feel good, desirable, and alive. I felt young again. I felt good.
I miss not seeing him. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss the way he turned red when he talked to me. I miss it all. I know it's wrong, and I feel like shit for that. I just wish I could wipe away the memories.
I've always heard people say, in the long-run, you tend to forget the bad times, and remember the good. You know, that's true. I barely remember the shame and regret I felt before I left. I barely remember not even being able to look Phil in the eye the week before I left. All of that is a blur to me. I remember everything, but the bad times. Maybe that's because I'm remembering what I want to remember. Hell, maybe everything I'm remembering was all in my head, I don't know?
All I know, is I want this man to stop haunting my dreams and memories. I'm happy with my husband, I've just got to keep Phil out of my head. I've got to keep praying...
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13 comments:
((((Christy))))
The more you let Phil haunt you, the worse it will get.
But at the same time, you shouldn't be beating yourself up over the memories.
Don't you think that we all have people, men and women, that haunt us?
Smile when you remember, and let the memories set you free.
Not sure if this helps, but I have a similar problem. I guess on the up side, I'm not with anyone right now, so the girl whose memory haunts me can run through my mind without it affecting anyone else.
Not sure what connection Phil has to you, but my frustration stems from the only woman I truly loved - ever.
I have the same problem with an ex of mine haunting my dreams. It's been 9 years since we dated but he keeps popping up in my dreams recently. In these dreams I can feel my heart racing like it did when we were together. This guy was no good for me at all.Definate bad boy. My marriage is wonderful. My heart races the same way for my husband.
We will pray together :0)
cool new look. The cow cursor, oh my!
phil..the grass is always greener isnt it? I only know too well.
My temptation has moved wayyy far away and for that I am both thankful and scared.
I hope mr.phil quits lurking inside your dreams and gives you some peace of mind soon.
((hugs))
hmm, that totally sucks..
dont let him haunt you..maybe u just need closeure or something..
I hope u can wash that guy outta your hair..
I think somehow we are wired to want what we can't have or shouldn't crave etc. But it's good that you are talking about it. Have you talked to your husband about it? I don't know...honesty and discussion help.
*huggs*
-N
I'm a new reader, and I love your writing!
The only thing that has helped me in a situation like this is good, old-fashioned time. I hope you find peace with this soon.
Nancy
I love how you manage to change add too and rearrange all of your pics. I need to attempt a few of them...
Sorry about how you are feeling. You have LOTS to be happy about right now...YOu are one of the most positive bloggers I read. I enjoy coming over to your place.
The grass is always greener.
I remember the positive and I also remember the bad. I think it's what we choose to REMEMBER.
I get like that a few months after I break up with someone...you miss the good times, andthe bad times fade away. But you know what? As long as we remember we moved on for a good reason then we shouldn't worry. Honestly if we dwelled on all the bad times in our life we'd be a pretty depressing planet!
First of all, love the new look of your blog. And your picture? Girl, you are smoking hot!!!
Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself. You know what I like, and I can't have it either. So look and drool and then take it out on your man. I am sure he will have no complaints.
Rose
xo
the good thing is you don't have to see him, so time will take care of this
You know, maybe I'm the loner here, but I don't see anything wrong with him staying in your memory.
Have you ever seen the movie "Playing by Heart" with Sean Connery, Angelina Jolie, Gena Rowlands etc?
There is a significant part in the movie where Sean Connery admits to wanting to have an affair with another woman, until that woman made him realize how much he loved his wife. Sometimes it's good when someone else sparks your interest, as long as you don't act on it of course. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, as long as you are able to control your thoughts and know where your heart truly lies. I mean you ARE human. We certainly aren't perfect.
Try not to get down on yourself Christy.
Go in peace, my child...your sins are forgiven...
Oh...pardon me. I thought I was in some sort of Catholic dream :) Sweetie. Stop feeling so guilty. It's eating you up. From everything you've written you really haven't done anything to feel guilty over. Runaway thoughts are another thing...but they are just that...runaway thoughts. Take comfort in your husband and good place your relationship seems to be at this point. Many years ago I had a similiar experience to this. I did nothing wrong, but felt tremendously guilty for my attraction to another man. I went to confession over it (hard core Catholic!) and Father Joe, a blessed and great man who taught me much, told me to get over myself, stop feeling guilty, and love my husband. He said I would have a problem had I acted on any of those thoughts, but since I kept them within my head, I was ok. It took a while, but I finally believed him. Go in peace, my child ;)
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