And You Give Yourself Away...

As promised, I told you I'd come through with some "nugget of joy"-- and thanks to Natalia, I have one. The song on one of her posts the other day was, "With or Without You", by U2. Talk about memories flooding back, they all came back, and slapped me in the face.

The year was 1992. The day, August 6th. Greg was home. Who might Greg be? Greg was the first man I ever loved. We had known each other for years, his family and my family were really close. Hell, I called him "brother" for years, although we were of no relation. His mother, and my grandmother died on the same day in 1990. We'd been through good times together, and bad times together. He was always there for me, and loved me, no matter what. On August 6th of 1992, everything we had known would complete change.

On that faithful day, we went from just being "friends" to being much more. No, we didn't cross the line entirely, but far enough to be able to never go back. I was completely intoxicated by him. He was the focus of my world. I had NEVER had feelings like that for anyone, and at 13 years of age, I really didn't know what to do with them.

For years, off and on, we continued our intimate relationship, all the while in "secret". As, we all know what happens when you're underage and involved with someone over the age of 18. Our "relationship", for lack of a better term, continued for years. When I was 18, he was married, and came home for a visit without his wife. That was a mistake. I felt absolutely no remorse for what I had done. He was MINE, it was her that was in the wrong for taking him away from me years before.

How young and naive I was. I struggled for years because of the decision we made one faithful night. I paid dearly for it, mentally and emotionally. I've never know passion and desire as strong with anyone, like I did with Greg. Maybe it was the situation we were in-- knowing if we were caught, what would happen. Maybe it was that knowing what we were doing was wrong, or "forbidden" that made the passion so strong. Or maybe it was just the fact that I truly loved him with my whole heart-- that he was the one person in this world who really "got me". Greg knew everything about me, and loved me. Hell, he caught me looking at Playboy magazines in his bedroom when I was like 8 years old. I didn't really know what they were, but I knew I shouldn't be looking at them. He didn't rat me out. You know, he knew those kinda things about me.

We haven't really spoken in years. It was too painful for a long time. I felt guilt, and shame. I felt used, and abused. I felt as if I were damaged, and he was the cause. Looking back, we both knew better. I was old enough to know better, but too young to care. That's my damage. Fifteen years later, things are so much more clear.

Everytime I hear, "With or Without You" by U2, or "Father Figure" by George Michael, I think about Greg. I remember every night we spent together. I remember the passion in his kiss, and the anger in his eyes when we would fight. I remember everything. Looking back, it's those things that have shaped me, that have made me who I am today. Had these things never taken place, I wouldn't be where I am today.

If I had it all to do over again, would I change anything? No. Not now. Now that I see a little more clearly, it was worth it all. The passion, the tears, the regret, the anger, the joy-- it was worth every moment.