My Heart Will Go On...

(If you are a newbie to my blog- First, Welcome! Second, in order to understand this post, please read Nine Years Ago Today, Building a Mystery, and Kiss the Rain, in that order. Enjoy! :0) And yes, this is a true story. Thank God my mind can't think of something this nuts!)

Not long after Ryan and Angela broke up, he quit at the Tilt. I felt an emptiness when I went to work. I missed him. Even though we only spent a short amount of time together, it was the quality of the time we spent together that mattered. We had a deep connection, one that you don't find often. As dysfunctional as it was, it was ours. Without him, I was lost. I came to work depressed every day. On some random day in January of 1998, I noticed a new guy working in Ryan's place. He was younger, in his early to mid 20's, nice looking. At this point I was NOT looking for a relationship, but I was lonely, and one can NEVER have too many friends.

He walked across the hall and introduced himself. His name was Brad, and he had just moved back from California. He was a Marine, recently honorably discharged. He was getting ready to enroll for classes at ETSU. He had a slightly quirky personality, similar to Ryan's, but much more outgoing. Brad and I became fast friends. After a couple of months of talking and laughing together, he really began to grow on me. I thought, "oh no, not again, not another Tilt guy- I've gotta stop this," it was too late. I really liked Brad. I wasn't scared of him, he treated me with a lot of respect, and made me smile. I really needed someone like him in my life. I had NO idea what would come back to haunt me.

I walked into work one afternoon, and nearly fell over dead. Ryan was in the Tilt, talking to Brad. Ryan IS BRAD'S BEST FRIEND. After weeks of talking, I had NO CLUE that Brad even knew Ryan. Needless to say, things were VERY uncomfortable for all parties involved. Even though I really hit it off with Brad, things would never have worked out, because of Ryan. I just didn't have it in me to push the issue, although I believe Brad and I would've really made it.

For the next few weeks Ryan would come EVERY night to the mall when I was working. Of course, he couldn't let me be happy. That would be way too easy. The more attention I paid to Brad, the angrier he would get. He would NEVER say a word, but the look on his face was priceless. I no longer feared Ryan. I knew EVERYTHING he did was for shock value. It was all about what he could get. If he could get a rise out of me, make me love him, fear him- it didn't matter, it was ALL about him and what he could get out of me. One of the last nights I saw him, he passed me on the interstate and held a knife up, I looked over at him, and blew him a kiss, and kept driving. The look on his face was one of complete and utter shock. He was just dumbfounded that I wasn't afraid of him. I no longer feared him. In a way, I suppose I was mocking him. I was giving back what I was getting, complete bullshit. After that, he constantly told a friend of mine who was working at the Tilt, that he hated me. Of course he did, because we all remember why he hates someone.

Ryan and I reconnected briefly in 1999. He had broken up with another girl and needed support, and I needed help with some computer programming. We had pretty much made peace with one another. The feelings were still there, but things were so different. We had been through so much, and put each other through so much, we knew there was no where left to go.

For the past 9 years, we've floated in and out of each other's lives, stalking one another, and catching glances in chance situations. I know after reading this saga, you're all thinking, why in the hell does she want to remember this, and with fond memories at that? It took me many years to figure Ryan out. Ryan was young, and wanted so much to "shock" people. It was all about shock value. Even though he talked some crazy talk, he would never hurt a soul. Do I believe he hated me? Absolutely- according to his definition. I believe Ryan loved me as much as I loved him. I don't know why he pushed me away. His life was far from easy, I'll be the first to admit that. Pretty much everyone he had loved, he'd lost. I know many times when this happens, people shut themselves off- they push away those who love and care for them. I believe he used Angela to hurt me, to push me further away from him. When it stopped working, he tossed her aside like a ragdoll. When the fear was gone, there was no more power. He had nothing left to push me away, or to keep me close anymore. The damage had been done, it was over.

Even though I've described the some of the best and worst times Ryan and I spent together, I can't express the beauty those few days hold in my heart. They truly were some of the best days I've ever spent with anyone. For all the fear, hurt, anger, and confusion he caused me, I don't think I would fully appreciate the good without the bad. Every year, on September 29th, I think of him. I wonder how he's doing, if he's ok, and if he has someone to love him. I hope he's found a good woman who loves him, and will take care of him. For years I questioned why it couldn't be me. I now know, God had something else in mind. I still have the paper rose and bird he made me. I still think of him when I hear Building a Mystery, Kiss the Rain, Fly, My Heart Will Go On, and Four Seasons of Loneliness. May God Bless him, wherever he is today.