A Complete Metamorphosis...

It's about damn time, isn't it? I've been through so much this year, it's not a wonder I've acted the way I have. I've gone from saint to sinner in approximately 2.2 seconds. I lost the security and comfort of the lifestyle I had grown to love, and gained my self-esteem and self-respect back. For so long, because I wasn't working, I thought I had no right to complain to my husband about the way I had been treated. I thought, he's the one bringing in the money, he should have things his way-- which in turn, made me a doormat. ANYONE who knows me, knows I never have, and never again, will be a doormat.

When I got my job at ACT, I went WILD. I finally had a place where I could be myself, and the men were plentiful. I have lost tons of weight, and for the first time in years, honestly feel good. I feel like a worth-while human once again. Flirting comes naturally for me-- it always has. I love to get attention. I'll admit it, I'm an attention-whore. I want people to want me. I want to be desired. Rejection. I can't stand it. I don't deal with it well. I don't like being told no, nor do I like being pushed aside. For the first two months at work, I charmed everyone around me. I LOVED being showered with attention. The more people would flirt with me, the more power I had-- and I LOVE power.

Finally, today, it hit me. I'm not only hurting myself, but others. PC, for example. He's acted differently around me, and it's crushed me. I WANTED to be the one he desired. No, I didn't want to have an affair with him, that was NEVER my intention. My intention was to have him want me, but never do anything about it. That's so completely silly, and immature. Because I found him attractive, I wanted him to find me equally attractive. Now, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm the biggest dumbass in the whole world. I sent a very nice e-mail to him today at work. I explained to him that I enjoyed joking and "kidding around" with people, and that I apologize if I've ever done anything to make him feel uncomfortable. That's the last thing I would ever want. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. That's the end of it. The ball is in his court now. Whether or not he ever speaks to me again, it's his situation to deal with..

I just feel so foolish. The last thing I want is for PC to think badly of me. It hurts me to think that maybe I've "thrown" myself at him, and he's rejecting me. I know it's a personal "ego trip". I just don't know if I can even look him in the eye on monday. I know I have to, but I don't know how. I know it's my problem, I just pray he'll forgive me, and be able to work with me. Hell, for all I know, that e-mail might've blindsided him-- he might not even have a clue what I'm talking about-- at least I feel better.

Thanks for listening to my guilt rant...