What It's Like...

I know I've talked about the NFS Strike a lot lately. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but it's changed my life- drastically. I was one of those people who always "had enough." I never knew the feeling of not having the money to pay the bills, or having to go the grocery store and buy a limited amount of food, and I sure didn't know how it felt to be without insurance, and wondering how in the world I'm going to get my medication, much less health care.

In the blink of an eye, my perfect world changed. There was no more steady, stable income. There was no health insurance. There was no money for anything. I hadn't worked since October of 2005. Aside from the fact I was really sick from then until April of this year, there was no need for me to work. Chris had a wonderful income, and the best insurance you could hope for. I went to the grocery store, and bought whatever I wanted. I went to get my hair and nails done. I went shopping. We took trips, and went out for dinner and a movie. I wanted for nothing.

The day I realized that it was all gone, I was nearly destroyed. I had put so much emphasis on things, and a "life of luxury", that I completely took for granted the things that did matter. The most humbling experience of my life, was going to the grocery store, and barely being able to buy enough food to feed us, because that was all the money I had. I was angry. That wasn't supposed to happen to me. I wasn't supposed to have to live like this. I've always had enough, why is this happening to me now?

I became very depressed. I couldn't go to the doctor, so I had no idea what my insulin levels were, or if anything else was wrong. Day by day, my medicine and injections were depleting, with no way to refill them. My injection and Glucophage alone cost $384.00, and I have five other prescriptions I need as well. I seriously contemplated suicide. I knew I'd be worth more dead than alive. At least Chris could bury me with the life insurance, and pay off the bills- which were mostly my fault to begin with. All rational thinking went out the door. I couldn't see an end to my suffering. I couldn't live like that. Day by day, I woke up disappointed that God didn't take me in my sleep. I had sunk to the lowest point in my life. I was ready for it to be over.

I never in my life imagined I'd have to go to a clinic, and not have to pay for my health care or medicine, because I didn't make enough money. I was so thankful just to be able to have health care, and medicine, but so humiliated because I couldn't pay for the services. These people work really hard, and it's so good of them to see people in situations like mine.

I couldn't truly tell you what changed me. I prayed hard every night. Even though I felt things were shit, I kept thanking God for what I did have, and was truly trying to be happy with what I had- although, I kept wanting more. I think we're programmed to want more. No matter what we have, it's never enough. There's always something else we "need" or "think we need."

I finally decided, it was time to do something for myself. My Daddy always told me, you can't depend on anyone to take care of you, but you. It was then, that I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and got out and started looking for something other than the dead end job I had. It took long enough, but I was finally hired at Sprint. Yeah, I held a few "transition" jobs in between, just to get me by until I found one that would provide. I'll have health insurance in 3 weeks, and I'm making enough money to pay the bills, and be able to actually buy groceries.

I'm getting out of my hell, but I can't help but think of those, for whom, it's a way of life. I often think of the sweet lady who worked at McDonald's. She was a customer of mine when I was working at Save-A-Lot in high school. She worked her fingers to the bone. She NEVER missed a day of work, and barely got enough food stamps to cover her food. If the truth be told, it wasn't enough to remotely feed her family. I know she lived paycheck to paycheck, struggling even when she was paid. I can't imagine how it feels to know, it's not gonna get any better? That, "this is as good as it gets."

I'm telling you now, I have a deep respect for the working poor. They are stronger people than I'll ever be. Someone who works their ass off, and has nothing to show for it, but perhaps a roof over their head, and some food on their table, are VERY strong people. In society today, we're so spoiled. I think we feel a sense of entitlement, because we've grown up with so much. I mean, for me, internet access, getting my nails done, going out to eat- even to McDonald's, was something I took for granted. Now, I take NOTHING for granted. I'm thankful when I eat a .99 double cheeseburger (AKA: Penny Meat Patty), when I have enough money to buy my family food at the grocery store, when I'm able to pay my bills so that the bill collectors aren't calling my house from 8am til 9pm. I'm thankful for each day I have.

I know how hard surviving is this day in time, and know what it takes to survive- truly survive.