I've spent some time in the past few days reflecting on my life. I've been thinking about the way things are, and the way I want them to be. Since losing my job at Proffitts', I've slowly sunk down into a depression. You know, it's really funny, it seems like when you're in the deepest of depression, you have no clue you're depressed. My health was getting worse, and one by one, it seemed as if my friends were slipping away. I was alone. Sure, I had my husband, family, and church, but I began pushing them all away. I engulfed myself in my blog. Spending WAY too much time on line, causing me to slip deeper and deeper into depression.
I told no one of how I was truly feeling, not my husband, or closest of friends on the net or in real time. I didn't even know myself. How could I tell someone, if I didn't know myself? Like a light coming on, everything became so clear. Things really aren't as bad as I thought they were, and I was going to be ok. I have a very addictive personality. I jump from one addiction to another. When I say addiction, I can get addicted to damn near anything- Panda cam, soap operas, blogs, books, collecting dolls, shopping, well... You get the picture. I become addicted to things because I'm so bored.
I've often heard the term "ignorance is bliss". Damn straight. I wish I wasn't as smart as I am. I sometimes wish I didn't know half of the things I do, then I would be perfectly content to sit at home and be a housewife, instead of bored out of my mind and lonely. My mind is going 24/7, it never stops. If my mind isn't being stimulated, I'll sit and make up stories in my mind- which is how "Chloe' Gardner, and "The Breathless Fantasy", was born. There are tons. I've been relying on this for so many years that I consider it "normal". Although, I have no idea what normal actually means?
I didn't make any New Year's resolutions this year, because I never keep them. However, this is one thing I'd like to accomplish. I'd like to learn how to be happy just being me. Not relying on a job, or my friends, family and/or church, possessions or titles to make me happy. To just be happy being Christy. I've spent 27 years of my life relying on something more to make me happy, so this will be a big change. I'll let you know how it's going. It might not be pretty, but most things in life aren't.
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5 comments:
Good luck Christy :) I think you're a pretty cool person from what I've seen. You mentioned church but that is so secondary to God. Concentrate on your relationship tp Him. It helps me :)
Christy, there's a lot of truth in what you say.
The internet is dangerous and I feel its claws digging in me.
But Christy, try and take some pleasure from the simpler things in life; material possessions do not make for happiness. But that doesn't mean you have to stop being creative. It's finding the right balance.
Be well and be happy
lotsa luv ann xxxxx
As someone who has struggled with the same problems you are having, I know how you feel.
I jump into things with both feet, then I get bored and give up. It's why it took me 11 years to finally get my bachelor's degree. It's why I have had so many different jobs in a short amount of time. It's why I had niggling little second thoughts about getting married.
I too am the type of person who needs acceptance from everyone else to feel like I am an OK person. I sell myself short and have a hard time loving me for me and believing that I am worthy of love.
I kept all of that hidden from people for a long time, thinking it was a sign of weakness and that no one would love me if I showed weakness. However, the best thing I ever did was share my feelings with my husband, family, and friends. They are so helpful with my depression and still love me, no matter what. Don't keep it in... your family wants you to be happy.
Much love,
Lorrie
I think everyone has already expressed my thoughts very well. I hope that you find the right balance for yourself and find peace and happiness. :)
Gosh, that sound so familiar...Are you channelling me? I practically live in my head. Especially since this whole housewife gig. My brain just won't quit. Can't fall asleep at night unless I lose conciousness from exhaustion. I wish you all the best. I'll keep praying for you, as well.
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