Awwwwwwwwwww, We Got Married!!!

Yep, 4 years ago today, at 7:30pm at St. Thomas Episcopal Church, in Elizabethton, Tennessee, we got married!! Yay!

I'm Alive... But Not Kicking

Of course, it the Christmas season, so I'm STILL sick. Yes, STILL. I can't get rid of this shit. It's in my head, and glands. My neck hurts, I'm sore, and grumpy-- but still alive. Haven't even begun to look for a job. Luckily, I've got enough money to pay the bills next month, so I don't have to take the first thing that comes along (thank goodness). If I wasn't ready to shoot myself out of boredom, I wouldn't go back to work. *Hopefully* Chris will be back to work next month, and I'll finally have my *much needed* health insurance back once more, along with the comfortable income we need to live.

I promise I'll write more, soon-- but keep this nugget of joy in mind, on sunday, the 31st, Chris and I will have been married for 4 years!!! Awwwwwwwww, we got married!

Merry Christmas!

This was just what I needed. Last night, at Midnight Mass, my friend, Steven, came to worship with us. He's a dear friend, and one I love very much-- he left our church about 10 months ago due to some conflicting differences in the church. I miss him terribly. Having him at church with us last night, was the best Christmas gift I could've ever gotten. Being with Steven, and all of my friends and family, I was reminded, that everything I've lost this year, didn't matter. What matters is what I've got now. The true spirit of Christmas was shown last night. Thank you, Jesus for everything.

Merry Christmas!

God Bless You, Laci and Conner...

On a day that should be so joyous, 4 years ago today, Laci Denise Peterson, and her unborn son, Conner were savagely murdered at the hands of her husband, Scott. Please take a moment to remember Laci, Conner, and those they left behind. May God Bless them.

Can I POSSIBLY Suck Anymore Than I Already Do?

I lost my job today. The job I LOVED-- the job that brought life back to me, made me feel desirable, and worthwhile again- gone in the blink of an eye. No warning, no nothing. My contract ended today with the temp agency, and ACT "couldn't" hire me because of attendance problems. I've missed 3 friggin' days- 3. I came to work when I was damn near dead- when I couldn't talk, and felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks, I was there. I was dedicated to that damn job. I ate, slept, and breathed ACT, and I have NOTHING to show for it- nothing.

Diane told me at 10 minutes til 5 today. Yes, I worked the whole damn day, when in reality, she could've saved me the embarrassment of having to pack my shit and leave at the end of the day. This hurts more than losing a loved one. I am grieving beyond belief. I can't believe this is happening. My husband has no job. I have no job. I didn't even get to tell my friends good-bye- I wasn't strong enough. PC and TM, I'll never see them again. I'll never get the chance to tell PC that I never meant to make him uncomfortable, but he did mean a lot to me. He was someone who made me feel so good about myself, and brought back the life I knew I had in me. I'll never get to thank him for that. I'll never get the chance to do the things I needed to do there, and say the things that needed to be said to those I love. It's over. Merry Christmas to me.

A Complete Metamorphosis...

It's about damn time, isn't it? I've been through so much this year, it's not a wonder I've acted the way I have. I've gone from saint to sinner in approximately 2.2 seconds. I lost the security and comfort of the lifestyle I had grown to love, and gained my self-esteem and self-respect back. For so long, because I wasn't working, I thought I had no right to complain to my husband about the way I had been treated. I thought, he's the one bringing in the money, he should have things his way-- which in turn, made me a doormat. ANYONE who knows me, knows I never have, and never again, will be a doormat.

When I got my job at ACT, I went WILD. I finally had a place where I could be myself, and the men were plentiful. I have lost tons of weight, and for the first time in years, honestly feel good. I feel like a worth-while human once again. Flirting comes naturally for me-- it always has. I love to get attention. I'll admit it, I'm an attention-whore. I want people to want me. I want to be desired. Rejection. I can't stand it. I don't deal with it well. I don't like being told no, nor do I like being pushed aside. For the first two months at work, I charmed everyone around me. I LOVED being showered with attention. The more people would flirt with me, the more power I had-- and I LOVE power.

Finally, today, it hit me. I'm not only hurting myself, but others. PC, for example. He's acted differently around me, and it's crushed me. I WANTED to be the one he desired. No, I didn't want to have an affair with him, that was NEVER my intention. My intention was to have him want me, but never do anything about it. That's so completely silly, and immature. Because I found him attractive, I wanted him to find me equally attractive. Now, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm the biggest dumbass in the whole world. I sent a very nice e-mail to him today at work. I explained to him that I enjoyed joking and "kidding around" with people, and that I apologize if I've ever done anything to make him feel uncomfortable. That's the last thing I would ever want. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. That's the end of it. The ball is in his court now. Whether or not he ever speaks to me again, it's his situation to deal with..

I just feel so foolish. The last thing I want is for PC to think badly of me. It hurts me to think that maybe I've "thrown" myself at him, and he's rejecting me. I know it's a personal "ego trip". I just don't know if I can even look him in the eye on monday. I know I have to, but I don't know how. I know it's my problem, I just pray he'll forgive me, and be able to work with me. Hell, for all I know, that e-mail might've blindsided him-- he might not even have a clue what I'm talking about-- at least I feel better.

Thanks for listening to my guilt rant...

What's Up With Blogger?

I've tried to comment on some of my friend's blogs (who have switched to beta) and for some reason, it won't let me? Anyone else having problems?

Look What You've Done...

Today, it finally hit me, what I complete dumbass I've been. I've THROWN myself at any man I thought looked good, just because I finally feel good about myself. I couldn't tell you what finally opened my eyes, but I feel like such a fool. I feel so stupid, and to make matters worse, I feel like everyone knows... and they're laughing at me. I feel as if I've made a person I consider to be a friend, uncomfortable. He hasn't exactly acted differently around me, maybe it's just me, because I know, but I feel terrible. I hate even facing him at work now. I tried to talk to him as little as possible at work today, and will probably continue to do so, without making it obvious. I'm such a fool.


Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Damn Flu-Season!!!

I've been bitten HARD by that nasty flu bug!!! It hit hard and fast, but *thank GOD* it hasn't been as bad as it was back in February. I've felt like death warmed over for the past few days-- I still can't speak, but am hanging in there. I haven't forgotten about ya'll. I just haven't felt like doing anything other than laying on the couch. I promise I'll make my rounds again very soon! *hugs and love*

Happy Birthday Caleb!

Six years ago, December 1st, Caleb Dalton Lewis arrived in the world at 6:23pm. He's my first Godson, and so dear to my heart. Here are some of the pictures from his birthday party on saturday. I Love You, Caleb!